Spontaneously, the moment presented itself. A knowing that I must welcome the monster that I feared most. The unpredictable reality of sudden disability. Welcome it as a messenger, not a threat. Relax the defenses pushing it away and accept its paradoxical gift.
Living with Multiple Sclerosis is a mixed bag. Many great things come with the difficulties. Love, support, deeper relationships, courage, and faith along with fatigue, fear, injections, side effects, doubts and limitations.
At this moment where my sight is diminished, this messenger is telling me to see, to trust the path of paradox, to stop fighting against the blindness and welcome it as a vision beyond sight. Beyond the sensory data registered, routed, and conceived by the intricate network of neurons, axons, and these swollen and disintegrating fatty tissues.
I ruminate on my sankalpa…I am at ease with all that is, just as it is…
But this has not been true since these symptoms slowly began to show themselves. Eye pain, blurred vision, peripheral visual deficits, but there was nothing to see…instead I heard the message of this monster, harsh and loving, to stop, consolidate my energy, embrace patience and slowness and above all else take care of myself with the utmost tenderness and reverence. Trust and let go.
Was this the monster I was running from? The admonition that I am human and have limits and can still accept, respect, and love myself for what I can offer without punishment or apology for what I can’t.
Welcome sadness and disappointment…
Welcome limitation…
Welcome liberation…
Release into Pure Awareness…
There is an ocean that dissolves me.
Dissolves the I that is me.
Dissolves the I…
Dissolves the punishment and doubt and distress and disease…
I float and offer these freely.
Welcome love and offer it back freely.
Welcome joy and offer it back freely.
Floating on an ocean of breath.
At ease with all that is, just as it is